Conservative Comedy

At the trial Saddam insisted he is still president, he is still in charge, despite the fact that his people disapprove of him and his top assistants are all in jail or going to jail. No, I'm sorry, that's President Bush." --Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein's trial started yesterday, were you folks aware of that? In court he was stubborn and he was defiant. Stubborn and defiant in insisting that he's still the president. You know, sorta like Bush." --David Letterman

"Saddam Hussein went on trial today. See, I didn't even know he worked in the Bush White House." --Jay Leno

"There are rumors circulating that because of the CIA leak investigation, Vice President Dick Cheney would resign and Condoleezza Rice will take his place. Due to the complex nature of the arrangement, it had to be explained to the President using puppets." --Jay Leno

"As you know, President Bush's approval rating at its lowest number ever. It's gotten so bad that even Harriet Miers is refusing to take his phone calls." --Jay Leno

"Give you an idea about how bad George Bush's approval rating is, more people approve of the job I'm doing. And you know, Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers, this is a strange, fascinating woman. This woman refuses to talk about herself. Will not talk about herself, and I'm thinking to myself, hell, where do I find a woman like that!?" --David Letterman

"US News and World Report put out a breaking news flash that rumors are flying Vice President Dick Cheney might resign. Who's going to be president now?" --Jay Leno

"The results from the Iraqi election are coming in and the Sunnis are claiming that the election was rigged. So looks like they got an American-style democracy after all." --David Letterman

"Saddam is the first ruthless cold blooded dictator to be on trial since, that's right, Martha Stewart." --David Letterman

"Homeland Security secretary Michael Chertoff announced he planned to expel every illegal immigrant in the United States. Boy, more bad news for the New York Yankees." --Jay Leno

"Here's a reminder to Iraq: The crooked voting machines are due back in Florida by Friday." --David Letterman

"Over the weekend at one of the games, Houston and St. Louis, one of the camera men caught former President Bush and his wife Barbara Bush kissing. You know, by god, you know you're at a dull game when you'd rather make out with Barbara Bush." --David Letterman

"Karl Rove testified in front of the grand jury for the fourth time. This is the fourth time in front of the grand jury. In fact this time he had to give his testimony standing up. See the first three times he lied his ass off, so he had to stand up." --Jay Leno

"For a contribution of $2500 you can sit next to Hillary Clinton at a U2 concert. What could be more fun than going to a rock concert with Hillary Clinton, except maybe going to a disco with Al Gore." --Jay Leno!

"The first baby has been born in New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina. Yeah, they named it FEMA because it finally showed up after nine months." --Jay Leno

"As if they don't have enough troubles at the White House. They tried to have a live conversation with the troops yesterday. Troops in Iraq on satellite, Bush at the White House, it was supposed to look like an impromptu Q and A. Well it turned out it was so scripted, the troops were rehearsed down to the way they would read their lines. Boy that's the Bush military for you. No gays but plenty of choreographers." --Bill Maher

"The White House adamantly denied the troops had been rehearsed. Scott McClellan said, 'No script, no plan. Just like everything else we do in Iraq.'" --Bill Maher

"President Bush, not looking good. His approval rating is dow n to 38. 38! That's lower than Dick Cheney's pulse. In fact, his approval rating is so low he's actually eligible for FEMA assistance now. And It gets worse. According to the new NBC/Wall Street Journal poll, among African Americans, President Bush's approval rating is 2 percent. You know who the 2 percent are? Condoleezza Rice and Clarence Thomas." --Jay Leno

"You know what you call a Republican with only 2 percent of the black vote? A Republican." --Jay Leno

"Important weekend this weekend, Iraqi citizens will vote to approve their new constitution. Yeah, it's important because if they vote to reject the constitution, the country could erupt in violence. If they vote to approve the constitution, the country could erupt in violence." --Conan O'Brien

"Well, you can sure tell it's fall. Down in Washington, D.C. yesterday, Tom DeLay was in his front yard raking indictments." --David Letterman

"North Korean dictator Kim Jung Il may be stepping down. Yeah, experts in the State Department say he could be replaced by his son, Menta Li Ill." --David Letterman

"The Million Man March was 10 years ago, and tomorrow, they're going to do it again. By tomorrow, there may be a million black men down the road from the White House. And Bush thought Cindy Sheehan was scary." --Bill Maher

"Pakistan had one of the worst natural disasters ever, up to 50,000 people dead after an earthquake this week. But of course it's not a resort, no supermodels like the tsunami, so it doesn't really get covered. But other nations are trying to help. They've offered food, medicine, corpse-sniffing dogs. New Orleans sent a volunteer team of cops to beat the crap out of survivors." --Bill Maher

"You know I love New Orleans, they're vowing to hold Mardi Gras this year come hell or -- no pun -- high water. This is interesting, they've always had a Mardi Gras drink called the Hurricane. They're not going to serve that this year, but they've got a new one called the FEMA. It's strong, it hits you about a week later." --Bill Maher

"President Bush is getting a lot of grief from conservatives about Harriet Miers' lack of legal opinions. Which is kind of surprising, a woman without any opinions? That's like a Republican's dream, isn't it?" --Jay Leno

"According to the latest poll, only 2% of African Americans think Bush is doing a good job. Yeah, the number would have been higher, but Condoleezza Rice has a very small family." --Conan O'Brien

"It was raining so hard down in Washington, D.C., Tom DeLay didn't even have to launder his money." --David Letterman

"In speech earlier this at Harvard, Bill Clinton said he has no idea if Hillary will run for president. But he says if he ever sees her again he'll certainly ask." --Jay Leno

"Supreme Court nominee Harriet Miers told the New York Times that George Bush was the most brilliant man she ever met, which is kind of scary. She only has one known opinion, and that's it." --Jay Leno

"This is what we know about Miers. She's never been married, and she has no known boyfriend. In fact, today President Bush announced a very ambitious plan to put a man on Miers by the year 2010." --Jay Leno

"The latest approval ratings are out, not good for President Bush. His ratings are now two points below the Bird Flu." --Jay Leno

"As you know, there's terrible flooding in New Hampshire. Give you an idea of how white New Hampshire is, FEMA got there in a minute and a half." --Jay Leno

"This Harriet Miers pick for the Supreme Court is turning out to be the most controversial pick involving the Supreme Court since...George Bush. " --David Letterman

"The Republicans are having their problems. Karl Rove is testifying as I said for the fourth time next week. Tom Delay was indicted for the second time and Bill Frist is being investigated. For a party that hates trial lawyers they sure do hire a lot of them." --Jay Leno

"I think the President is losing it. The BBC is reporting that Bush told a group of Palestinian ministers that God told him to invade Iraq. You see, that's what happens when you mix the New Testament and Old Milwaukee." --Bill Maher

"The president nominated Harriets Miers, the leaning lady, you know her as TV's Hazel, to be on the Supreme Court. The people around the White House refer to her as Bush's work wife. No, it's platonic, please. There's one he thought she was flashing a little thong. Turned out it was just a cobweb." --Bill Maher

"She's sixty, single, never married, childless, and the former head of the Texas lottery. Sounds to me like she's never handled a ball that didn't have a number on it." --Bill Maher

"It's the religious right that's grumbling about Harriet Miers. Bush is losing his base. There's a new poll out that says white evangelicals, Republican women, southerners and suburban men are losing confidence in Bush. Wow, these are the very people who elected him to stop boys from kissing. He is so desperate to win these people back, he said today that if he had to get another pick on the Supreme Court, he would nominate the tiger that ate half of Siegfried and Roy." --Bill Maher

"A Filipino spy broke into Dick Cheney's office this week, and that takes a lot because Dick Cheney's office is the back of a speeding ambulance." --Bill Maher

"With all this going on, it just didn't surprise me this week that we had a sudden 'terror alert.' Sounds to me like another desperate Bush stunt to repair his image. He wanted to knock up Katie Holmes but Laura said no." --Bill Maher

"A lot of conservative Republicans say they are very upset about President Bush's choice of Harriet Miers. They say she has no experience, she doesn't know anything about constitutional law, and she's never shown any interest in it. Where were these people with the high standards when they nominated Bush to be president?" --Jay Leno

"Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan is retiring. President Bush has already launched a search for the most inexperienced, incompetent candidate he can find. No, they'll find a replacement for Greenspan as soon as they figure out what the hell it is he does" --David Letterman

"'Commander In Chief' over there on ABC was one of the highest rated shows. It's about the first female president of the United States. Or, as Hillary Clinton calls it, a reality show. Or, as Republicans call it, 'Fear Factor.'" --Jay Leno

"Harriet Miers, as you know, has no experience. Apparently no experience is the main requirement to be a Bush appointee." --David Letterman

"Last week, former Education Secretary Bill Bennett made some insensitive racial comments. I'm sure you all heard what he said. And the White House called the comments not appropriate. They want to make sure we know the government doesn't insult black people. It ignores them, but it doesn't insult them." --Jay Leno

"Representative Tom DeLay, many of you are familiar with his work, has received another indictment. The second indictment! This one for money laundering -- he says is also baseless. He is also saying indictments three through eleven, which are coming, are without merit and illegitimate. He feels that indictments twelve through fifteen cut a little closer to the bone than he feels comfortable with. Sixteen and seventeen he feels are a farce. Eighteen to twenty four, he believes, nails it on the head. He believes that's when they're really going to get into the evil that is he. It is at that point that he will reveal to us that he is a swamp creature. By the way, my allegation that Tom DeLay is a swamp creature: Baseless." --Jon Stewart

"President Bush has pledged to grant millions of dollars in tax breaks to national casino companies rushing to rebuild casinos along the Gulf Coast, giving residents who haven't already lost their house a chance to do so." --Daily Show commentator Lewis Black

"According to the National Enquirer, President Bush has started drinking again. You know, I feel sorry for Barbara Bush, the mother. Her son's hitting the bottle, her husband's hanging around with Bill Clinton, she's the one who should be drinking." --Jay Leno

"Did you know a phone center in India has been handling all the calls from the hurricane victims in Texas? The calls are routed through India. And here's the sad part. People in India still responded faster than FEMA." --Jay Leno

"Over in the Middle East, according to the L.A. Times, with three weeks before his trial starts, Saddam Hussein's defense is in chaos. Saddam's new strategy -- he's going to blame everything on state and local governments." --Jay Leno

"In a speech earlier this week, President Bush asked Americans to conserve gas by stopping non-essential travel. Then the president flew to Hawaii to make the same speech." --Conan O'Brien

"Today a Texas grand jury indicted House Majority Leader Tom DeLay for conspiracy in a campaign finance scheme. This is the most embarrassing thing to happen to the Republicans since yesterday." --Jay Leno

"Tom DeLay said he had a new priority in life -- outlawing prison rape." --Jay Leno

"House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says he is innocent of all wrongdoing and is the victim of a plot by the Democrats. Fox News does too; they've been spinning this story so hard they had to give the staff Dramamine today! ." --Jimmy Kimme

"All in all, 16 Texas oil refineries remain shut down after the storms. Analysts say it's the worst thing to happen to the Texas oil industry since George W. Bush worked in it." --Jon Stewart

"Suppose he is drinking, who cares? He's the president. He doesn't drive anywhere, so that's not a danger. He's got the Secret Service right there to catch him if he stumbles, plus Dick Cheney is the designated brain, so it doesn't matter." --Jay Leno

"Some good news. The Bush administration captured their number one terror suspect the other day: anti-war protester Cindy Sheehan. She was arrested. I think she was the ace of spades." --Jay Leno

"Cindy Sheehan, she is the mother who was demonstrating in Texas. She was arrested at the White House for sitting down, doing nothing, and refusing to move. You know, if that's the criteria, they should arrest all those White House energy advisers." --Jay Leno

"The National Enquirer says that president Bush has started drinking again. You thought he was falling off his bicycle before. Are you worried that President Bush might be drinking again? Why? Let's say he is drinking. It'd be hard to screw up more than we have already." --Jay Leno

"Hurricane Rita was not as bad for Texas as people thought it was going to be. In fact, Enron did more damage to Houston than Hurricane Rita." --Jay Leno

"Bush is keeping track of Hurricane Rita as it hits his home state of Texas. That's Bush's worst nightmare -- an electric chair with no power." --Jay Leno

"Hurricane Rita is supposed to make landfall in Texas, which is good for Barbara Bush because she can insult survivors closer to home." --Bill Maher

"The other event that has people on edge this weekend, Vice President Cheney will undergo surgery for an aneurysm, and while he is under anesthetic, a man named George Bush will be in charge." --Bill Maher

"It's actually a procedure to correct an aneurysm behind Cheney's knee. Boy, you know you're out of shape when you have a heart attack on your knee. But the Vice President feels good about it. He's surrounded by loved ones, his wife Lynne and Halliburton." --Bill Maher

"Forbes this week came out with a list of the 400 richest Americans, or
as we call it, the Bush Cabinet." --Jay Leno

"Yesterday the Texas Air National Guard was recalled from Louisiana.
President Bush said these brave men and women should be commended for all the work they do. Of course, Bush didn't know firsthand knowledge of what it was the Air National Guard actually does, but he heard it was important." --Jay Leno

"Now here's some sad information coming out of Washington. According to reports, President Bush may be drinking again. And I thought, 'Well, why not? He's got everybody else drinking.'" --David Letterman

"Now here's surprising and sad news coming out of Iraq. According to reports, Iraqi officials have embezzled $1.2 billion in Pentagon money. $1.2 billion. And Halliburton, when they heard about this, they said hey! Hey! We were going to embezzle that money. That's our money." --David Letterman

"It was announced today that the FBI is recruiting agents for an
anti-obscenity task force. The FBI said they'll divert agents from other areas to fight a war on pornography, or as President Bush is calling them, weapons of mass erections. Let me ask you something. A war on pornography? Did I miss something? Did we catch bin Laden?" --Jay Leno

"According to reports now, Iraqi officials have embezzled over one billion dollars. One billion dollars! So apparently they really do have a U.S.-style democracy." --David Letterman

"Yesterday President Bush made his fifth visit to the area that received the most damage from Hurricane Katrina. In other words, the White House." --Conan O'Brien

"It's still unclear exactly how much federal money will be needed to help
the Gulf Coast recover, but this week's Newsweek puts the price tag at $200 billion, which, coincidentally, is what the war in Iraq has cost so far. Hey, can you tell me which one we've already spent the money on? I can't tell." --Jon Stewart

"Hurricane Rita, hitting Florida, and this time President Bush is not screwing around. He is not taking any chances. Earlier today, President Bush sprang into action and evacuated all the crooked voting machines out of Florida." --David Letterman

"Whatever their shortcomings in the past, the federal government has learned the lesson of Katrina: Start blaming state and local officials now. I've already been assured by FEMA that the mayor and governor will have failed. And this time the president will not be detached. There are already plans to helicopter him in to save a baby from raging flood waters." --Daily Show correspondent Rob Corddry

"Hurricane Rita, this is like the 9th hurricane out this season. Maybe this isn't the time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance." --Jay Leno

"The president said much of the aid is going towards job training. And when they heard that, the people of New Orleans rose as one and said, 'Can we start with you?'" --Bill Maher

"He's like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Wherever he goes, he stirs up such a humongous mess, it can only be cleaned up by Halliburton." --Bill Maher, on Bush

"President Bush has taken personal responsibility for this failed response of FEMA. He also hinted that he might have had something to do with the war in Iraq too." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said racism played no part on the slow rescue effort. He's right. That's the one good thing about incompetence -- it's color blind." --Jay Leno

"Welcome to our 3000th show tonight. I was thinking about that. We did our first show in May of 1992; a man named George Bush was president, his approval rating was only 39%. And someone named Clinton wanted to replace him in the White House. So nothing has changed really." --Jay Leno

"Big summit at the U.N., and President Bush warned the president of Syria to stop letting terrorists into Iraq. And then the president of Syria warned Bush to start paying attention to natural disasters." --David Letterman

"The rebuilding of New Orleans is already underway.! The relief and reconstruction contracts for rebuilding the city have already been awarded, many of them no bid. Among the recipients, major Republican contributors Bechtel and Fluor, the Shaw Group, client of Joe Allbaugh, ex-FEMA head, and, of course, come on, don't be shy, say it with me -- Halliburton." --Jon Stewart